CHAPTER 2: Mother's Approval
Above the party that celebrated the Guards of Hel, in a room with a glass window that displayed the people below, Amara sat on a sofa next to two girls, who all sat across from their companions. Amara had her arms crossed and glared at August who sat across from her next to Reis, Noah, and Rider.
The room was silent and no one knew what to say to each other, what to do within this situation, mainly the boys. The Guards of Hel were never around women unless the situation was dire, their life consisted of work then death, but August had an inkling of what to do he had read some books in whatever spare time he could find. He wanted to speak to his desire and put his acquired skills to use, but was fearful his words might betray him, and Amara wood be angry. His books might have been outdated.
Interrupting the silence a stern-faced woman entered the room gaining the attention of it's occupants. Hester Mill, the mother of the Hel guards. The boys immediately stiffened upon sight of her.
"Companions. Guards." Hester greeted uninterested with her eyes focused on her clip board. "August, Noah, Reis, and Rider. Congratulations on becoming part of the elite. Know that the order I've called you in is your new rankings amongst each other. Check with the elites' manager to know you rankings among the other elites."
"August." Hester looked towards the boy.
"Yes ma'am."
"You have satisfied my expectations."
"Thank you, ma'am."
'For someone who is supposed to be their mother she seems uninterested.' Amara thought.
Hester Mills turned to the companions and analyzed their features, taking what little information their appearance gave off.
"Where's the fourth one? Noah's companion?" Hester questioned.
Noah shrank with fear and spoke cautiously.
"I didn't want a companion, Mother." Noah looked down, but kept his head high as was taught. .
"Hmm..." Hester Mills looked down to her clip board and flipped to Noah's' page. "No, you must acquire a companion for the betterment of your mental health. Your sanity is on the lower side."
"Yes, ma'am." Noah did not want a companion he felt they would be a burden, like having a needy pet.
"Your companion will be filled in on his role once he is found. Now go."
"Yes, ma'am." Noah stood and quietly left the room and another woman entered, standing next to Hester.
Hester continued. "Before we can begin telling you of your duties as companions. I want to know why you've been chosen as companions. Rider?"
Rider smiled at the child before him as she girl burrowed herself into the woman next to me. The child had coily hair, big round eyes and a foul smell of bad hygiene.
"I want her to be my little sister...I've never had one before." A smile was painted on the boy's face.
"What of her parents?" Hester asked.
'Yes! Rider you can't just take her.' Amara furrowed her brows in thought. Rider was very much of an air head, as his fighting style reflected.
"Oh, Tea's orphaned. I asked her." Rider's smile melted.
"She's still a child, have someone help you watch over her." Hester ordered.
"Yes, ma'am."
"I'll- I'll help you." The woman next to me offered. "She seems to have taken a liking to me, anyways."
Rider's smile returned at the woman's offer, and Amara took a glance at the woman. She had long brown hair that gave her face a soft look, yet looked now older than Amara, 19.
"Reis?" Hester called.
"I wish to take Violet as my wife." Reis stated with ease, but his emotions where hidden by the hair that covered his eyes. The woman, Violet, next to Amara nervously smiled, and although it wasn't seen Reis was beaming at her reaction.
Hester nodded at Reis' request and looked at August, who wearily glance at Amara. Although, August usually held an air of professionalism Amara's glare made him falter, and seem timid.
"I also wish to make Amara my wife." He said avoiding eye contact with anyone.
"Are you sick?"Hester questioned. August behavior was foreign to her all of the Guards were to carry themselves with confidence. 'The boy must be ill.' Hester thought.
"No ma'am!" August said surprised his emotions had been noticed.He blushed in embarrassment.
A quiet giggle erupted from, Violet and the woman standing next to Hester.
"Ma'am, He is love-sick." The woman stated, and a blushed stained both Amara and August.
"Oh." Hester seemed uninterested.
Amara had known of August affection for her a little while now, and could not understand the cause of this love. She had tried to push him away many times, but he just came back bolder each time. He's now more open about what he sees her as; a lowly house wife.
"Well, moving on. Lea" Hester gestured to the woman next to her. "will give out the marriage contracts and the adoption papers."
Lea swiftly put the paper in between the respective persons. Rider hastily signed his name wherever need, with Reis following his example. August glanced at Amara before slowly signing the doted line, and passed Amara the papers.
"No." Amara said. "I don't want-"
"As a request of the Guards of Hel you have no right to refuse. Sign the papers." Hester Mills sternly quieted Amara.
Amara and Hester eyed each other, neither backing down.
"Amara Kigton, Right? you're the one trying to become a solider of the country? Such a silly fantasy. Can you heal others, are you able to create fire, or perform telekinesis?" Hester gazed at Amara. "You would not last outside these walls not even in your prime." Hester Mills shifted in her spot changing her tone. "Sign the paper girl, I may not have experienced it, but the people do not take kindly to those who denies the request of a Guard."
'Because they fear the outcome.' Amara thought to say, but held her tongue. Amara had seen what happens to those who refused a request; none lived to long ever since, Mary.
Grabbing the Pen Amara signed her name, giving her freedom away.
"Good. Now Guards you'll go back to the party while your companions are told of their duties." Hester glanced at Tea who smelled foul. "Rather, you'll be told, after you've moved into the elite mansion.... and taken a bath. For now companions pack your essentials and move into the mansion tonight."
Hester's Eyes moved to Amara before she and Lea left the room.
"um, Rider?" Violet called. "Would you like me to take Tea with me, so she can take a bath."
"Sure," Rider said disappointed.
"Oh, here" Rider passed Violet a purple card. "You can use this to buy her clothes and things."
"Thanks." She responded.
"Do you want me to help you, by carrying your bags." Reis asked, seeming a bit peeved Rider was gaining Violet's attention.
"No, I'll be fine."
"Do you want me to help you carry your luggage, they might be heavy?" August asked Amara, but the girl just glared at the boy before heading to the door.
Looking back Amara spoke. "I don't need your help I'm not weak."
Amara left with those words still ringing in the air, and August was confused.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hiya Sweet Sour! Let's get into this review.
GRAMMAR
So, I've decided to refrain from pointing out/correcting problems in other people's grammar. As such, I will not be pointing out technical errors. But I've got to let you know that bad grammar/punctuation/dialogue tags/whatever takes away from the story. If I'm constantly trying to puzzle out what's going on in a scene, then I won't be enjoying or even really paying attention to the actual content. I know self-editing is rough, but learning the basics will vastly improve your technical writing.
PLOT
Uh, what exactly went on in this chapter? Some new Guards of Hel were appointed, right? And then they picked wives? And we met the Mother of the Guards?
Okay, that's cool. Good ideas.
However, I think this whole scene needs to be reworked. It was very...convoluted. I had to puzzle out what was going on, and couldn't get a grasp on the setting, or even the characters. Also, some things just didn't make sense. Like:
-if Guards never spend time near women, why are they all hanging out? Above the party? Why are they even having a party, if Guards & women don't mix? And why are they marrying?
-if the Mother is this great, formidable woman with the highest authority, why is she walking around with a clipboard, performing menial tasks?
-why did the new Guards pick their wives like they were ordering tacos? I get women being treated like objects, but marriage is more formal than that.
Perhaps the new Guards have already picked their brides-to-be, and the girls have been called up to meet them to be informed they're getting married. Amara is, of course, furious that August picked her. Then the Mother could come in, all grand and ruler-y, and congratulate the boys on their new Guard-hood & engagements.
It's just a suggestion, but I feel a re-working like the above would clean up the scene a lot.
CHARACTERS
Amara is the main character, right? She's spunky, I'll give her that. But because you're using 3rd person omniscient perspective, and hopping around from character to character within a scene on top of that, I didn't get to know her very well. Who is she, beyond "August is a nincompoop and I want to be a knight!"?
As for August, I can't tell if he's a serial killer or a sweetheart. If you want me to not know, then make it more clear that Amara can't tell. If you want me to know, make it more clear that he's a serial killer/sweetheart.
Then there's a bunch of whatshernames and whatshisbuckets, so if you want me to care about them, give each a little more personality. But don't tell me, please. Show me. Maybe Lea/Tea (or are they two different people?) is ecstatic that a Guard has chosen to marry her. Maybe Rider scratches his nose whenever he lies. I don't know!
The Mother/Hester seems more like a mean, old librarian than a major authority figure. She needs more of a presence, more menace, more POWER.
WORLDBUILDING
I'm pretty confused. So I'll just ask all my questions.
-Are the Guards the main power of the country? Or, like, is there a King?
-If they're not, are they like the "unofficial" power of the country?
-Why are women suppressed if the Guards' leader is a lady?
-Is the time period pseudo-medieval? (It's fine if it is; it was just very unclear.)
-Why are people letting Amara talk so rebelliously?
-Are those girls (Amara, Lea/Tea, Violet, etc., nobility? Is there nobility?
-Why does Amara think it's even remotely possible that she could become a knight? Why hasn't that desire been stomped right out? Why is she so open about it?
-You say the Guards are terrifying; they don't seem that terrifying. What power do they have over the people?
So, those're just the ones off the top of my head. Perhaps you could answer some of those questions in your first chapter? Sometimes you need to just tell the readers what's what, and since you already have a chapter devoted to exposition...
OVERALL
You have some interesting concepts here. They're just not fully formed, clearly expressed, or well-organized. I'll keep reading if you post more chapters, though--you've piqued my interest. The only way to get better is to keep writing!
Best of luck,
Far1812
Thanks for the review, if you have time maybe you can review the first chapter.
alright, let's do this.
>Above the party that celebrated the Guards of Hel, in a room with a glass window that displayed the people below, Amara sat on a sofa next to two girls, who all sat across from their companions.
this sentence is far too long - split it into two.
>The room was silent and no one knew what to say to each other, what to do within this situation, mainly the boys. The Guards of Hel were never around women unless the situation was dire, their life consisted of work then death, but August had an inkling of what to do he had read some books in whatever spare time he could find. He wanted to speak to his desire and put his acquired skills to use, but was fearful his words might betray him, and Amara wood be angry.
sentence length. simplify, cut out parts that aren't necessary, include shorter sentences.
>Interrupting the silence a stern-faced woman entered the room gaining the attention of it's occupants.
don't need the second part.
>"Companions. Guards." Hester greeted uninterested with her eyes focused on her clip board.
dialogue tagging mistake. need a comma after "guards".
it should be "uninterestedly".
probably don't even need it - Hester keeping her eyes on this clipboard implies that it's more interesting to her than the people in the room.
"August, Noah, Reis, and Rider. Congratulations on becoming part of the elite. Know that the order I've called you in is your new rankings amongst each other. Check with the elites' manager to know you rankings among the other elites."
basic spelling/grammar mistakes here
>"August." Hester looked towards the boy.
personal preference - i'd put "Hester looked towards the boy" in front, so the reader knows who's talking before they actually talk.
>'For someone who is supposed to be their mother she seems uninterested.' Amara thought.
comma needed
>Hester Mills turned to the companions and analyzed their features, taking what little information their appearance gave off.
the way you've worded this is horrible. "taking what little information their appearance gave off"? not only is it vague, it doesn't tell us anything that she's seeing.
>Noah looked down, but kept his head high as was taught. .
why is that dot there
>"Yes, ma'am." Noah did not want a companion he felt they would be a burden, like having a needy pet.
split in two, make new sentence at "he felt".
>Hester continued. "Before we can begin telling you of your duties as companions. I want to know why you've been chosen as companions. Rider?"
and here... you need a comma instead of that full stop.
>Rider smiled at the child before him as she girl burrowed herself into the woman next to me.
whoa whoa whoa, what the heck? did you just go from third person to first? i'm looking down the rest of the writing now, and it's third person.
>Hester nodded at Reis' request and looked at August, who wearily glance at Amara. Although, August usually held an air of professionalism Amara's glare made him falter, and seem timid.
this entire part is weak. read it aloud. "and seem timid". wowser. really able to see what this guy's acting like right now.